


Friends, Family, and Other Bad Gifts

by BurningUpASunJustToSayHello



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Awkward gifts and even more awkward recipients, Gen, Holiday Shopping, The Winter Holiday Potluck Fic Fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 15:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13126962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningUpASunJustToSayHello/pseuds/BurningUpASunJustToSayHello
Summary: Penelope Decker runs into Maze while trying to buy some last minute gifts for Chloe. An embarrassing gift competition quickly turns into a Christmas Chloe will never forget.





	Friends, Family, and Other Bad Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, here's my on-time holiday fic starring Maze and Penelope! This was based off of the prompt "Penny doesn't do internet holiday shopping 'cause she's all old school MallRat. Maze doesn't do internet holiday shopping because why miss out on humans to torture in person? They unexpectedly run into each other at [place of choice] and try to out-do each other on a gifts that will embarrass the ever-lovin'-crap outta Chloe." 
> 
> My place of choice ended up being Victoria's Secret because it gave me an excuse to do some "research" (aka: some shopping of my own). 
> 
> This is a very silly and nondescript fic. I've been struggling to write anything as of late so this is progress for me. It's coming to you guys unbetaed, because I wrote it yesterday and it's the holiday so my beta needs a break :)
> 
> Merry Christmas everyone!

Penelope Decker wasn’t a normal washed-up actress. She didn't hide away in her Hills mansion, or have a doting husband to pour her a dinnertime brandy, and she  _ definitely  _ did  _ not _ buy her Christmas gifts online.

O ne, she didn’t have a Hills mansion (it was a  _ beach house _ , thank you very much) and two, she didn’t even  _ have _ a husband to dote on her. And even if John had never been shot, Penelope would still have found herself in the middle of a throng of last-minute holiday shoppers, picking over what was left of the Victoria’s Secret Black Friday “sale”. 

As much as her old film buddies mocked her for still physically going to the mall to shop, Penelope couldn’t completely sell herself on Amazon’s two-day shipping. She loved the drama that the mall offered far too much, and it got her out in the fresh air, which was more than what Karen and her “vitamin D-deficient” skin could say.

She sighed, this was her last store and her last hope. If she couldn't find something here, Chloe was getting cash for the third year in a row.

Penelope eased through the crowd, lazily finishing off the rest of her custom Starbucks tea, and found herself at the edge of the mass of people that made up the checkout line. 

The Christmas music being piped through the store had nothing on the seemingly hundreds of chattering middle-aged women and their companions.

“Hey, Decker!” a rough voice shouted above the rest.

LA, despite crawling with celebrities, usually had an unspoken rule about privacy. Penelope hadn’t been cornered while holiday shopping in seven years. She shared a pleased grin with herself, at least people could still  _ recognize  _ her two decades later  _ Karen. _

“Decker! Momma Decker!”

_ Not a fan, _ she mentally corrected. There was only one person who called her that and she was certain that this was not him. Instead, the voice belonged to a dark-haired woman who bore a scary resemblance to the kinky mannequin next to her. She shoved herself through the hordes of holiday shoppers, strappy leather clothing and menacing boots cutting an easy path from her to Penelope. 

As the woman stalked closer, Penelope desperately scrambled to figure out her connection to Lucifer. She concluded that the mystery woman  _ must  _ know him, ‘Momma Decker’ was Lucifer’s personal nickname. And if she had come up in their discussion, the woman  _ must  _ know Chloe as well.

Penelope blinked a few times, still trying to piece together her thoughts, when it finally clicked. 

Awhile back, Chloe had called to tell her about a new apartment. She had briefly mentioned her “unique” roommate. This had to be her. Damn, what was her name-- Chloe had said she was a bounty hunter, hadn't she? Penelope racked her brain. Max...no...Michelle…

“Maze!”

Maze gave her a wave, elbowing the last person that stood in between them. “Hey Decker what are you doing out here?” 

Penelope chuckled, Chloe hadn’t been wrong when she described Maze as “unique”.

“I’m finishing my Christmas shopping, how about you?”

Maze flashed her a serrated smile “I finished my shopping weeks ago, I’m here here to watch humans torture themselves trying to finish theirs.” She gazed briefly out at the roaring mass of purse-holding husbands and legging-clad college girls to make her point, before returning her attention back to Penelope. “Chloe only wears boring granny-panties so who are you shopping for?”

“Chloe.”

Maze snorted and rolled her eyes  _ “Sure.  _ I’m serious, who are you shopping for? There's been nothing entertaining all afternoon, so maybe I can help you find something.”

“I’m serious too.”

Maze rolled her eyes again so Penelope began to elaborate.

“Chloe never gave me a list this year and, being the good mother I am, I thought I’d buy her something that could break her out of her comfort zone and throw her back out into the dating pool.” She winked, “that Lucifer is a nice man, but she can’t keep holding him at arm’s length forever.”

Another smile bloomed across Maze’s dark features, this time its sharpness was replaced with scheming. She swiped a pair of strappy black panties from the drawer next to them.

“How about these then?”

Penelope shook her head. “No she hates straps. She says  _ “they aren’t practical for a homicide detective,’” _ willing her voice to mock Chloe’s professional tone.

Maze shoved them into Penelope’s hands, “All the more reason to buy them!”

“Well if  _ that’s  _ how we’re doing this, then Chloe hates a lot more than just straps,” Penelope drew on expectantly.

The other woman’s eyes flashed with understanding, nodding slowly as she snatched the panties from her hands and returned it to its rightful drawer.

“I got you Decker, challenge accepted. I’m going to find Chloe lingerie that’s so slutty she'll be too afraid to return it.”

Penelope smirked. “We’ll see, after all, it shouldn’t be  _ too  _ hard to find something she hates.”

Maze immediately sprang into action, pushing people out of her way and coaxing Penelope to follow her through the growing mass of worried holiday shoppers. She furiously opened drawer after drawer of silk, satin, lace, and everything in between, searching for the perfect thing. Penelope studied her for a few moments before busying herself with a table full of thongs and g-strings. 

She offered a private smile to the display and distinctly remembered when Chloe was nineteen: contrary to popular belief, her daughter hadn’t  _ always  _ worn boyshorts and hiphuggers.

Plucking the most annoying out of the bunch--a fuchsia lace thong-- she called for Maze across the room.

“Top  _ that!”  _ She shouted, waving the strip of fabric in the air so her new friend could see.

“Top  _ this!”  _ Maze responded, holding up a fishnet body suit, complete with a few straps that were supposed to cover what was important.

Not one to accept defeat, Penelope rushed to another table and grabbed a pair of red panties trying to imitate a sexy Easter bunny. She held them up, cut out back and pom-pom in all, giving Maze her best  _ beat that  _ look.

Maze smirked, drawing up a seemingly normal, modestly cut black cheekini.

Penelope wandered over to her, a satisfied smirk plastered on her face. 

“I think I won, especially if this is what you’re challenging me with.”

“Oh no Decker,” she said, holding them up for closer inspection, “I got you  _ beat.”  _ She pointed at the strip of fabric that made up the crotch and Penelope squinted, her eyebrows quirking up when she realized that said fabric was, in fact,  _ missing  _ from the rest of the ensemble. 

“Let’s call this a truce,” Penelope replied, holding up another pair equally lacking important fabric, “and buy both. We can even make it our together gift.”

Maze grinned, “I like the way you think Decker.”

  
  


 

Chloe’s face dropped and reddened to almost the exact shade of the tissue paper that had been covering the lingerie. 

“Oh...you guys shouldn’t have…Really  _ shouldn’t have _ ,” she sputtered.

She drew the barely-there red lace from the box, displaying the completely backless pair of panties to everyone in the room.

Maze and Penelope cackled in laughter as Chloe’s eyes almost popped out of her cherry-red sockets, howling louder when she desperately tried to shove the garment back into its box.

“Don’t worry Decker,” Maze began breathlessly, coughing a few times to get the rest of the remaining giggles out of her system, “we got you a pair missing the front door too, if backdoor guests aren’t your thing.”

 

 

When the story was relayed to Lucifer later in the week, Maze and Penelope would swear in that moment, Chloe’s face invented a new shade of red.


End file.
